Yes/No. All/None. Go/Stay.

I said to my husband the other day that I don't think of Vienna all that much these days.  We don't have a strict timeline,  I don't have anything hanging over my head that I have to think about/do/accomplish with regard to Vienna, I'm distracted with other things in my life, he's been out of town so we haven't talked much about it.  So *poof*  there it goes.  

He, on the other hand, said he thinks about it all the time.  He's trying to get a business off the ground and our moving to Vienna depends quite a bit on his ability to do so, so he is constantly thinking that he's not working hard enough, fast enough to get us there.

I wanted to tell him, "it's okay, take your time."  I don't feel a sense of urgency at the moment and I don't want him to stress.  But I stopped short of doing so.  I was afraid he'd think that meant I was ambivalent, that I no longer want to go.  And for a moment I start the protest in my head, "No, of course I still want to go.  I'd go tomorrow if we could."  But thou might protest too much.

I do still want to go to Vienna.  I can say that in all honesty.  But sometimes I feel like I want to stay here.  And that is just as honest a statement.

My tendency is toward extremes.  Yes/No. Black/White.  All/None.  I don't do to well with the middle area, the squishy ~ um, maybe, I feel two ways about one thing ~ kind of place.  If I say yes to something, I have to make myself believe that yes is the only answer and I will do all I can to push out any other thoughts.  If I start to have conflicting thoughts, then I assume that I was wrong, that I don't want whatever it is after all and I either have to suck it up and go along with it because I said I would or I have to completely pull the plug.

And that is where I find myself today, caught in the middle, one day wanting to move to Vienna, remembering what it was like to be there and missing it, eager to take on the challenge of an ex-pat life.  Other days, I feel so comfortable in my own space that I want to stay.  And still other days I feel dissatisfied with where I currently am but not wanting to make quite that big of a change.

None of this means that I don't want to move, that we won't move, that the plans will be tossed out the window.  Right?  I'm pretty sure it just means that I'm allowing myself to experience all that goes along with such a decision.  This is huge for me.  And, on top of that, to openly admit to others that maybe I don't have it all together inside.  That's even bigger.

6 Down, 6 (7...8...9) to Go

I can hardly believe the year is half over.  I can hardly believe I've been saying "We're moving to Vienna!" for 6 months now!  I can hardly believe we'll actually be there in 6 months.

Well, that last statement may not actually be true.  It may be, but then again, it may not.  Huh?

I am a goal gal.  My husband needs deadlines.  And, so, when we began this venture, we set ourselves a goal, "to be in Vienna" with a deadline, "in December 2010."  About a week ago, it hit me ~ we're half way through the planning phase, but I don't feel half-way planned.

I started to have a little internal panic session, mostly centered on the issue of money.  I haven't saved anything for the move.  We haven't implemented any of our cost-saving ideas (moving, re-budgeting, downsizing and selling belongings, etc.), and at this point, by the time we actually do these things, we'll only have 3or 4 months to stash anything away for the future before we're supposed to actually be in our future.  Not so much...not enough...for my liking.

I started doing that internal spinning thing, feeling like I needed to say something to my husband, but afraid that I'd be a wet blanket, feeling guilty about being lazy about things and not pushing our agenda, beginning to wonder if that meant I really don't want to go.  Oh, this little head of my mine can go all sorts of places when left to its own devices for too long!

Before I could even broach the subject, though, he did so for me.  Coming from a different angle, my husband started talking about being flexible in our timing.

See, he's starting a new business, a business that he'll be able to run from wherever once its gotten to a certain point  but that he needs to be here for while things are in the beginning phases.  He's been working on this project night and day for weeks (months?) now and this is why I haven't pushed the things on our To Do List that require two of us much.  The work project is a priority at the moment, a big part of our future.

He's beginning to get bits of success, things are beginning to happen.  And to make it really happen, we need to be flexible.  Or, this is what he asked ~ can we be a little flexible with our departure date?  If it takes 9 months instead of 6 to be at the right phase in the business to move, would I be okay with that?  What about if it is a year from now, rather than a year from when we first started talking the Vienna talk?

Ah, the world works in funny ways sometimes.  Would I be okay with that?  I wanted to give him a big, fat hug.  I probably would have, but I think we were in the car and one of us was actually driving at the moment, so it would have been difficult.  Yes, I'm okay with that!

This does not, by any means, I assure you, mean that I don't WANT to be there in 6 months.  Heck, I'd like to be there now.  But the openness is helping me breathe a little easier about the whole thing and when I breathe easier, I get more done.  So, I actually feel like the open-ended, non-time-specific goal is going to work by my/our advantage.

Mind you, I rule nothing out.  I'm continuing to keep my eyes and ears open for a job in Vienna for which I can actually apply and trying to be creative in my job searching (nothing so far, but I will stay diligent).  If there arises an opportunity for me to get over there on a work visa, you can be sure I'll take advantage of that and we'll make something work.

Open-ended does not equal delay.  Open-ended is simply flexibility.  And flexibility can be a good thing.  I know it's the right thing, because I haven't needed to sit and convince myself that it is good, that it is right, that it doesn't mean something I don't want it to mean (that we'll never get to Vienna).  It simply is.

No Comparison

One of my readers made a great comment to the last post about not judging a new environment by a set of norms based on another place (thank you, Michelle). Hard to do, for sure, but she has a very good point.

The whole point of moving, for me, is to experience a different culture, a non-US culture, to take myself out of the environment in which I've lived for 30 some-odd years and try something new.  I will undoubtedly fall back on making comparisons at times but the goal is to recognize the differences and explore, try to understand, overcome, integrate new ideas and approaches....to learn and grow from the variety of experiences, not use them as roadblocks.

Thank you for that reminder!

An American Girl's Impressions of Vienna

Okay, so here's the quick and dirty ~ a few impressions of Vienna to be expounded upon in upcoming days, but something to get the complex, swirling, morphing thoughts and feelings about the city and the move out of my head and onto "paper."  


Truth is, it wasn't love at first sight.  I didn't LOVE Vienna the way I was hoping to LOVE Vienna.  I never had the "This is THE city for me and feels like home already" experience that would have made the decision to move there a no-brainer.


But I didn't dislike it either.  Well, unless you talked to me on Tuesday night, when I was tired from walking all over the city (and London the prior week), and the grocery store clerk sneered at me because I hadn't weighed my oranges before I got in line and I couldn't communicate with her because I don't know enough German, and I felt completely out of my element and out of sorts.  In which case, I'd have very clearly told you, as I told my husband that night, "I don't like it.  It's dirty, smelly, and unfriendly." (Not the most mature, thoughtful or productive conversation starter, I realize, but in my defense, I was really, really tired.)


Our time in Vienna, short as it was, was a combination of sight-seeing and doing real-life things, like going to the gym, going to the grocery store, eating in the small neighborhood cafe (where no one spoke English), riding the U-Bahn and walking through both tourist and residential areas throughout the city.  We also met with an assortment of people that live in Vienna, people from all over the world who have been there anywhere from 2 months to 22 years, some who like the city, love the city, aren't quite sure yet and some who don't like it very much at all.  We got lots of practical input on jobs, neighborhoods, rent, being foreigners/immigrants, learning German and we met some really nice, helpful, and supportive people.    


My thoughts about Vienna were (and continue to be) more akin to a roller-coaster ride ~ up one minute, down the next, then up again.  But if you think about it, this is probably far more realistic and telling about life anywhere, isn't it?


So, a couple of the ups and downs (in no particular order):


Up ~ culture and history abound!  Can't walk more than a block without running into an overwhelmingly grand palace or church or theater or a small cafe where great intellectuals once sat and conversed.  I find this incredibly fascinating and stimulating.


Down ~ smoking.  People really do smoke everywhere.  We were able to find seats and tables somewhat apart from smokers when we ate out, but the smell lingers everywhere.


Up ~ bike lanes everywhere.  I'm not a biker myself (yet, perhaps), but there are marked biking lanes all over the city and loads of people using them. Rather than being part of the road, as they are in most American cities, the bike lanes are part of the sidewalk and this took a bit to get used to.  The "sidewalks" are marked with a bike lane and a walking lane and I, for one, was not used to keeping an eye on where I was supposed to be as a pedestrian, particularly when coming up to a crosswalk.  But, my walking skills and ability to pay attention aside, the infrastructure provided for bikers and walkers speaks very highly about a citizenry and culture that is healthy and active (smoking aside).


Down ~ unfriendliness.  The individuals we met in Vienna, native Austrians and those from other countries and cultures, were all very friendly.  A lot of the service personnel in the cafe's and restaurants and gyms were friendly as well.  Now that I'm writing about it, I must admit that it seems that more people were friendly than not, which gives me pause about making the following statement ~ Vienna did not feel like a very friendly city.  By this, I mean that people didn't look at me and say "Hi" when I passed them in the street, nobody smiled at me when I sat down next to them on the train, and the grocery store clerks were completely and utterly ambivalent about my presence, except to collect my money (I've been shopping at Trader Joe's in California too long ~ "How are you? How's your day? Find everything you need? Have a great day!").  I'm going to have to think on this one a little more, though.....


This post is getting very long (so much for quick and dirty impressions), so I'm going to break off and share more in bits and pieces as the days go by.


Let me just close by saying that when the time came for us to leave, neither of us wanted to come back to California; we wanted to stay in Vienna.

Warum nicht?

By far, the most common response to our "We're moving to Vienna!" announcement to date is some version of the question "why?" It usually follows the statement - "That's so exciting" or "Wow, what great news" - but it's never far behind. And it makes me nervous.

How could such a simple question, "why?" give me pause, cause me to stammer "um" and "uh"? Because I'm not sure that even I know the full answer to the question, so how can I explain it to others? And because I'm not sure the answers I do have will strike everyone as logical or reasonable. And I very much like to be seen as logical and reasonable.

Why move? Why Vienna?

• For a job? No, neither of us received a job offer in Vienna. The decision to go came first, the job search will come second (or third, or fourth).

• Why Vienna, of all the places in the world? Because we found out we know people who know people there. And we heard that it's a good city to start in if we need to slip into speaking English at times to get by. See - there is the reasonableness, the logic. Very practical. Connections and communication.

• But why move at all? To experience a different culture. I have this idea (perhaps a romanticized idea, but anecdotes from others seem to confirm it) that life in Europe, even in a larger European city, is different from life in America. I haven't experienced anything other than life in America and I feel at a loss for that. I want to know more. More than a 2 week vacation could teach me.
  

• We're not anchored where we are right now by careers or children or a mortgage. And so, it seemed like a good time to explore. Together.

• And, well, have you seen pictures of Vienna? Read about the architecture, the music, the history? It sounds (and looks) like such a rich, magical place, and everyone I've talked to who's been there gets this dreamy look and thrill in their voice that's hard to ignore. I had never thought twice about the city before this began, but now I can't imagine going anywhere else.

So, while there are many other reasons that will probably show up in later posts, my short, sweet, simple answer to the query, "why?" is, from now on...

Warum nicht. Why not.

Turning Excitement into Exploration

At the moment, the Vienna move doesn't seem real. I imagine I'll go through this often throughout the year, but maybe disbelief will mark only this first phase, before anything has really been done or decided or scheduled. When it's still a lot of talk and not a lot of actual doing.

In fact, rolling thoughts of these "doings" over and over in my mind paralyzes me sometimes.

I had a bit of a panic attack earlier this week because the possibility of finding work, obtaining work visas and a residence permit seems just plain out of reach. And without these, there is no move. I got a bit doomsday about the whole thing and Kiefer had to talk me back from the "there's no point, there's no way, it's too hard and we'll never make it work" ledge. I like to think of myself as an optimist, but short bursts of extreme cynicism are the way I maintain a rose-colored outlook for the long haul. So, I don't know what that makes me. A cynoptimist? What we've realized, thankfully, is that while we each have these bouts of disbelief and doubt, they seem to come at different times. When I'm negative, K is positive and vice versa, so we keep each other on track.

So how to bring myself back around? I work well in phases, with time-lines. I need some sort of structure and purpose and tasks to put on a To Do list to make things real and manageable. Is there a name I can give this phase? This pre-planning phase in which it's too early to look for an actual job or an apartment, but necessary to think about it? What about the Too-Early-to-get-Freaked-Out-Just-Start-Planning-and-Researching-and-Trust-that-We-Will-Find-our-Way phase? Or, the Remember-that-Just-Because-We-Don't-Have-All-the-Answers-Today-Doesn't-Mean-it-isn't-Going-to-Happen phase? Or, maybe we're in the Turning Excitement into Exploration"phase.

Yes. I think I can work with that. Today, we're in the Turning Excitement into Exploration phase and we get to focus on building relationships, making connections and learning German - things we can do today. See, rose-colored glasses are back on.